The End of Birthdays

***Beware somber birthday post ahead***

Today is my 43rd birthday.
Can’t get excited about it. I tried to.
It is very difficult for a “glass half empty” depressive to get excited about anything. But society (and possibly my friends, although they don’t say it to me) says “snap out of it”. So I try.
I always request the day off from work, and this year my boss gave me an extra 4 days without me asking.
Wednesday, I went to see Hancock and had my favorite salad from California Pizza Kitchen. I can’t afford either, but people always say “do something nice for yourself”. So I try.
Thursday, I spent some time with a friend who is moving to China. Giving her a scarf I crocheted for those harsh (I guess) Chinese winters, and a meditation journal. She gives me a cute “go green” t-shirt for my birthday. That makes me happy because all my current t-shirts advertise Chee.rios or some vacation one of my co-workers went on.
Friday, is 4th of July. By weird coincidence, I throw on a t-shirt of the American flag in the Black Power colors of red, black, and green to leave the house (get strange looks for rest of day). I go out for groceries and get stuck on a packed train with sweaty runners high from completing the Peachtree Road Race. All those people cause me to have my first anxiety attack and by the time I get off the train my heart is racing and I am as sweaty as they are. That night I watch the fireworks at Centennial Olympic Park from a cozy spot on my couch.
Saturday, I run some errands to Target and Hancock Fabrics (shouldn’t have gone there, although I only spent $15 telling myself it’s okay, it’s my birthday weekend). Gorge myself on ChikFil.-A.
Sunday, my actual birthday is here. Decide to go get some salmon cuz I love it. Go back to Target for printer toner. Credit card declined. Had to pay cash. Annoyed. Needed that money for other things. Went to grocery store, too early for fish department to open. Really annoyed. The packaged salmon doesn’t look too fresh. Super annoyed. Take my friends Ben & Jerry home to help me celebrate because this is Georgia and you can’t buy alcohol on Sundays! (I don’t drink, but for some reason the only day I want alcohol is on Sundays!)

So, I give up trying (we depressives are good at this) It is not going to happen. For the time being, my birthdays aren’t going to be the huge celebrations that others have. With my parents deceased and all of my close friends in other states and countries, I am not going to be showered with surprise gifts and special dinners from family and friends. In the future, I will treat this as a regular day and not promote it at all. If you happen to remember my birthday next year, I will be happy and graciously accept your greetings. But from now on I will treat it like I do all other holidays – with indifference.

4 thoughts on “The End of Birthdays

  1. I have given up on a great birthday along time ago. I used to make plans then something would always happen. I don’t hype up the day anymore. Now I just pick music to fit my mood and make a fool of myself as I sing and dance down the street. I have some great moves to Marvin Gaye, Tina Turner, Tracy Chapman, Kina and Nina Simone to name a fewIts too much pressure to have a great birthday, screw pressure, if your birthday sucks it sucks. People have great intentions but sometimes a person must be somber. So Toni put on some Kina and do your thing.

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